Hello unknown human reading my entry.
I have had a blog for a while because I always have nightmares featuring my diaries burning in the dark. But that blog was always private because I felt it was tooo personal and truthful to share with the world. Someone told me blogging was like an online diary, where you would be free to share your thoughts with the world. So I decided I would. I wanted something permanent, to share my innermost thoughts. I highly doubt anyone will read this, and I really hope no one I actually know will read this. But, meh. About me? I lie, a lot. A total liar, I hardly ever tell people how I actually feel about them, and I hope this changes it. I am a total fangirl. I am forever obsessing over the fictional world. I love the music genre Alternative. And I talk A LOT. I don’t know what to say, I’m a bit like a paradox as all my qualities cancel themselves out. Let’s just jump right to today, diary.
So the sun has set where I live and the owls have emerged. The day is done for most and what are the things that dominate my thoughts today? I hung around with my best friend of mine today. We were just walking around and for some reasons I was looking at the Whatsapp conversations on her phone and I came across one that she had with my ex. We’ve been over for almost four months now. My thoughts about him are just generally confused, so don’t ask. Anyway, the last time those two chatted was umm.. last October or something. A part of me didn’t want to know what he felt about me that time, what he told her. But another part wanted to know and I wanted to reassure myself that ‘Yeah, he did love me, at some point of time.’ Obviously, the latter won or there would be nothing to think about. Opening those messages, reading them, reopened a dam of memories, all flowing out at once, bombarding my brain and those warm feelings took over. It was a conversation where she would give him some advice on how to handle the relationship and he would tell her that it was he who was in the relationship and not her. Guys. Uff. So he would tell her that he loved me a lot, more than even she did and how he could handle everything well (he couldn’t) and didn’t need her words. In another conversation, one that took place before we were ever a thing, right before he was going to ask me out, my friend asked him if he was really ready for this relationship. And he told her ‘I love her too much to slow down now.’It must be announced at this point that I am only 15. A Junior. And no, this was not some epic love story. But in my brain it was. It was MY love story. So seeing that message it just kind of spun me out of control. Too confused to think. You see, this guy? Total playboy. He dates and girl and as soon as someone prettier and perkier comes along, she’s old news. I knew it would happen with me too, but I just couldn’t resist. And I was totally right, he did break up with me for someone else, but sometimes I fear I never got over him. His next girlfriend was a really nice girl, but there were moments I wanted to stab her in the eye with my butter knife. (Divergent reference) She had to leave the country and so he’s single again. Over here, in my group of fellow humans, it would be weak to admit that I sometimes imagine getting back with him. I don’t want to actually, it just seems like the perfect end to the perfect story. Bullshit. My feelings towards him are just totally off. And I know that even if he asks me out again (hypothetical situation), I would not actually be willing to get back together with him because I want more. I think I deserve more than just being the girl he’s with when he’s bored. I don’t even know why I got onto this topic, as I could go on forever. I just wonder if he ever thinks of me sometimes, not as a friend, but as I was to him once upon a time. I should stop with this conversation before you fall asleep reading. More on him laters, kay? It was a fun day I guess, swimming and playing with my baby cousin, but I hope thes thoughts leave my brain and do not help widen the abyss that is him. It seems stupid to worry about it when you’re 15. I have my whole life ahead of me, bla, blah. I know, but these thoughts still plague me and I can’t help it. Welcome to my brain.
My song of the day: I’m not really into them but this one seriously hit me with full force today.
‘Heartbreak Girl’ by 5 Seconds Of Summer.
That you never get over him getting over you.
I relate to the girl ,dude.
More later. OkBye.