Relationship status: Uninterested.

I know I don’t post often. Mistakes. And holidays. And my previous post got wayyy too much unexpected attention. It’s funny that when things are about a boy, the world and all it’s citizens are suddenly more interested. My love life has probably hi it’s all time low. I spend almost 75% of my time stalking my favourite celebrities and authors. And the other 25% reading or watching a show featuring my favourite celeb. Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas a.k.a Snow White and Prince Charming just had a kid together. Things like this really cement my love for love. A real life fairy tale. :’)

I am a total dork/nerd/fangirl. But I prefer the term smarter than you. I fell in love with the fictional world when I was young. A push from my parents and I got addicted to books. There were these few years of my life when I hated myself. Which kind of led to everyone else hating me too. I spent 3 lonely years with my head buried in my books and only after I moved to another city did I meet people who helped me love myself. A year later I met another girl who was sooo much like me that I hated her, then loved her, then loved myself. (I know you’ll read this. Special mention. :P) Off topic.
My books were the ones who made me feel like I was never completely alone. The guys in the books would never leave me. They’d always be there. On paper and in my heart.
So there was this once I made a mistake of actually falling in love. Umm…hello? Books. LIARS.
In reality guys are nothing like how they are in books.
Yes, before all the comments start, I’m 15. One relationship. WTF do I know?!
It’s my blog. I’m allowed to rant.




My song today:
‘Never Too Late’ by Three Days Grace.
I love the soulful lyrics.

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don’t belong
Who would have guessed it?



More later.



What I was thinking about today, when I came across this picture, was ‘I am wayy too invested in my books.’ At one point in my life I felt so alone and it felt like those books would always be there. It felt like I could trust my books because they would never leave me. Anyway, my ships. My first ship was Percabeth. II fell in love with the idea of them being together. And it eventually grew until I had so many relationships to handle. There were so many I was totally invested in, that if they were not together, my world would fill with desolation. But giving up all that time to be in love with their love, I never loved.

Hello World.

Hello unknown human reading my entry.
I have had a blog for a while because I always have nightmares featuring my diaries burning in the dark. But that blog was always private because I felt it was tooo personal and truthful to share with the world. Someone told me blogging was like an online diary, where you would be free to share your thoughts with the world. So I decided I would. I wanted something permanent, to share my innermost thoughts. I highly doubt anyone will read this, and I really hope no one I actually know will read this. But, meh. About me? I lie, a lot. A total liar, I hardly ever tell people how I actually feel about them, and I hope this changes it. I am a total fangirl. I am forever obsessing over the fictional world. I love the music genre Alternative. And I talk A LOT. I don’t know what to say, I’m a bit like a paradox as all my qualities cancel themselves out. Let’s just jump right to today, diary.

So the sun has set where I live and the owls have emerged. The day is done for most and what are the things that dominate my thoughts today? I hung around with my best  friend of mine today. We were just walking around and for some reasons I was looking at the Whatsapp conversations on her phone and I came across one that she had with my ex. We’ve been over for almost four months now. My thoughts about him are just generally confused, so don’t ask. Anyway, the last time those two chatted was umm.. last October or something. A part of me didn’t want to know what he felt about me that time, what he told her. But another part wanted to know and I wanted to reassure myself that ‘Yeah, he did love me, at some point of time.’ Obviously, the latter won or there would be nothing to think about. Opening those messages, reading them, reopened a dam of memories, all flowing out at once, bombarding my brain and those warm feelings took over. It was a conversation where she would give him some advice on how to handle the relationship and he would tell her that it was he who was in the relationship and not her. Guys. Uff. So he would tell her that he loved me a lot, more than even she did and how he could handle everything well (he couldn’t) and didn’t need her words. In another conversation, one that took place before we were ever a thing, right before he was going to ask me out, my friend asked him if he was really ready for this relationship.  And he told her ‘I love her too much to slow down now.’It must be announced at this point that I am only 15. A Junior. And no, this was not some epic love story. But in my brain it was. It was MY love story. So seeing that message it just kind of spun me out of control. Too confused to think. You see, this guy? Total playboy. He dates and girl and as soon as someone prettier and perkier comes along, she’s old news. I knew it would happen with me too, but I just couldn’t resist. And I was totally right, he did break up with me for someone else, but sometimes I fear I never got over him. His next girlfriend was a really nice girl, but there were moments I wanted to stab her in the eye with my butter knife. (Divergent reference) She had to leave the country and so he’s single again. Over here, in my group of fellow humans, it would be weak to admit that I sometimes imagine getting back with him. I don’t want to actually, it just seems like the perfect end to the perfect story. Bullshit. My feelings towards him are just totally off. And I know that even if he asks me out again (hypothetical situation), I would not actually be willing to get back together with him because I want more. I think I deserve more than just being the girl he’s with when he’s bored. I don’t even know why I got onto this topic, as I could go on forever. I just wonder if he ever thinks of me sometimes, not as a friend, but as I was to him once upon a time. I should stop with this conversation before  you fall asleep reading. More on him laters, kay? It was a fun day I guess, swimming and playing with my baby cousin, but I hope thes thoughts leave my brain and do not help widen the abyss that is him. It seems stupid to worry about it when you’re 15. I have my whole life ahead of me, bla, blah. I know, but these thoughts still plague me and I can’t help it. Welcome to my brain.



My song of the day: I’m not really into them but this one seriously hit me with full force today.

‘Heartbreak Girl’ by 5 Seconds Of Summer.

That you never get over him getting over you.

I relate to the girl ,dude. 


More later. OkBye.